Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[extra slim]

I nearly got knocked off my bike by a council salt lorry tonight. 'You clown!' I said, through gritted teeth.

[Brian Cooper]

[Brian Cooper]

My Mrs was going through the wardrobe the other day and excitedly called out, "WOW,  I bought this twenty years ago and it still fits." 

 

. . . . . .   It was a scarf. 

.

Edited March 11, 2023 by Brian Cooper

[cymaz]

My straight jacket still fits...nurse says so.

[kevin b]

3 hours ago, cymaz said:

My straight jacket still fits...nurse says so.

That's not a straight jacket.

It's your wedding suit.  

🤣

[cymaz]

1 hour ago, kevin b said:

That's not a straight jacket.

It's your wedding suit.  

🤣

If you want to see something funny, see me now in my wedding suit @ 3 stone heavier...

 

[Paul De Tourtoulon]

[cymaz]

That’s true.....that’s what it’s come to down here with us

[Brian Cooper]

An appointment for the doctor:

Yup, that all sounds about right. 

And after you have finally secured an appointment, the doctor won't dare to see you face-to-face but will only give you a phone call.  

 

Anyway, that's enough of the real world. ... let's get back to the silly stuff. 

[Brian Cooper]

[Christopher Wolfe]

I have had this debate with my friend for many years and finally I have evidence (my friend is a female lawyer)

 

[Brian Cooper]

[Geoff Copping]

1 hour ago, Christopher Wolfe said:

I have had this debate with my friend for many years and finally I have evidence (my friend is a female lawyer)

 

When I worked for a cleaning company the boss told me to always hang the roll that way round as, on average, it resulted in 1 sheet less being used on each pull of the roll.

I have explained this to my wife several times.

I now believe that she hangs the roll the WRONG way round just to annoy me.

[Robert Cracknell]

My sister in law trained as a housemaid with THF and was told to hang it as per the patent for the simple reason it stops people from rubbing the backs of their hands on the wall when trying to get paper....!

[Peter Christy]

[Brian Cooper]

Scientists studying the Evolution of Man have been searching for the "missing link". . 

Uh-ohhhh. 

 

[David Davis 2]

I once stopped to help somebody wearing a dress stranded beside a broken down car. It turned out that "she" was a man. Not only that, "she" was built like a second row forward and had a decided beard jowl under her make up.

[Peter Miller]

We had a WAAF on St Mawgan.  One could never tell if it  was a bloke or not. She was known as "He, She or IT" and that was back in the 50s

[Ian Dewar 2]

"We had a WAAF on St Mawgan"..... I think another joke there somewhere!! (My wife was WRAF so I'll shut up!!)

[Brian Cooper]

Now here's a place which many have found........ seemingly without the aid of a map. 🤣

 

[Richard Acland]

9 hours ago, Peter Miller said:

We had a WAAF on St Mawgan.  One could never tell if it  was a bloke or not. She was known as "He, She or IT" and that was back in the 50s

When I was in the Army I went to a concert given by the WRAC male voice choir.

[Don Fry]

Around 1978-80, I was a copper, driving a powerhouse of a motor, 1100 cc Ford Escort. With on average 100,000 miles of urban trashing.
I’m on my standard patch, docks area, entertaining area. 
Narrow Victorian street layout. In fairness, the A to Z map was in my head. 
I spotted a right nice up market Jaguar, (not claiming to be Sherlock, but it’s worth more than the houses). And it spots me. And it takes off. It has a 400 meter run to the end of the street, 150 ° turn to left, and freedom.

I’m left wallowing, watching it disappear. But I plug on, foot to floorboards, clutch less gear change, as in shift stick, feet don’t move (need a very stong box, best not yours). And I do the above 150° turn to left.

And there it is, stranded in the road, smoke pouring out, idiot had overcooked everything, destroyed the engine.

Now his plan, runner. My plan, all pondlife plans are identical, stop escape route.

So his door opens, my front end pins him to the door, hinge post. Exit car, drag him across bonnet, and subdue, and cuff. 
We used to use cable ties, so a cuffed prisoner was attached to useful objects. As in lamp post. It saved a lot of confrontation. 
And having time on my hands, waiting for the van to shift him to police station, became aware of hysterical screams coming from the car. Young lady in the passenger seat. 
Very fast chat, totally obvious, she had been picked up by Jack the Lad, in flash car, and off they went into the sunset of the overcaste of the steelworks. 
I offered to take her home. Friendly young lady, funny, quick.  Going across the river, Victorian street lights, and against the light, I spot an Adams Apple on the throat line. Takes all sorts. 

Bottom line, driver had nicked the car by breaking into a car showroom, from the posh end of town. Later when I interviewed him to sort it out it went fine. Not much to say really.

Wrapping it up, I playfully related the above. He launched across the table at me.

Charged, after treatment, Burglary, Fail to Stop, Assault Police. 
 

 

[Peter Miller]

At St Mawgan wehad the WRAFs postedin when St Eval closed down so no one was used to them on the station.

 

One chap was walking across the hangar and saw his mate bending over a crate of parts. As he passed he slapped his mate on the backside and said "How's that for centre?"

 

As  he walked on he  heard "AIRMAN!!!".He looked back and it was a large WRAF Sargent!!!

[David Davis 2]

A few years ago I had a part-time job as a collection and delivery driver for a Jaguar agency. I was asked to collect a Jaguar belonging to a Colonel Jones from Shrewsbury Barracks. The man on the gate said, "Ah yes, we've been told to expect you. Just drive round these offices onto the parade ground and you'll see the car. Wait by the car and I'll phone Colonel Jones who'll come out to give you the keys."

 

It was a nice day, I drove onto the parade ground and stood next to the Jag when a cheery voice called out, "Good Morning!"

 

I turned round and there was a woman in a colonel's uniform!

 

I expect that the man on the gate was in on the joke from the start!

[Brian Cooper]