Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Brian Cooper]

[Brian Cooper]

I was travelling north on the A466 from Chepstow with my Yorkshire uncle and we went past a ruined building, just east of Chapel Hill.

He asked, "What's that"?

I replied, "Tintern Abbey". 

He countered, "What is it then?"

 

[kevin b]

According to this research, there is an interesting connection between eating more chocolate and winning the Nobel Prize

[Shaun Walsh]

56 minutes ago, kevin b said:

According to this research, there is an interesting connection between eating more chocolate and winning the Nobel Prize

In Ireland, there's a good correlation between winning a Nobel Prize and being a Farmer. If you're a Farmer you are most likely to be out- standing in your field.

[kevin b]

[Shaun Walsh]

1 hour ago, kevin b said:

Thank you for putting penne to paper.

[cymaz]

“ At my age it great to be offered a seat on the bus by a younger guy……..a bit creepy in the men’s room”

[Brian Cooper]

[Brian Cooper]

[J D 8 - Moderator]

    My cat must be one of it's descendants.

[Eric Robson]

[Robert Cracknell]

Posted before but still funny..

 

HOW TO GIVE A PILL TO A CAT

1)     Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on each side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

 

2)     Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat gently in left arm and repeat process.

 

3)     Retrieve cat from bedroom, pick up and throw soggy pill away.

 

4)     Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

 

5)     Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

 

6)     Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

 

7)     Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill out of foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep up figurines and vases from hearth and set on one side for gluing later

 

?     Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with a pencil and blow into drinking straw.

 

9)     Check label to make sure pills not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply sticking plaster to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

 

10)   Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door just enough so that head is showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

 

11)   Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T‑shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

 

12)  Ring fire service to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

 

13)   Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy‑duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

 

14)   Get spouse to drive you to the local casualty department. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearms and removes pill from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home and order new dining table.

 

15)   Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. 

[Brian Cooper]

[leccyflyer]

[Shaun Walsh]

1 hour ago, leccyflyer said:

Probably a serfer error!

[kevin b]

A Farmer in Yorkshire sees a bloke drinking from his stream and shouts;

"Ey up cock! Tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta from theer, it's full o hoss pee an cow muck !"

The man shouts back,

"I'm sorry what was that? I'm from London, can you speak bit clearer please."

The Farmer replies,

"IF YOU USE TWO HANDS YOU WONT SPILL ANY!"

[Brian Cooper]

[Brian Cooper]

[Brian Cooper]

[kevin b]

[Brian Cooper]

[Fred Lew]

I took my suit to the cleaners, who wanted to charge me $40, so I gave it to the charity shop next door. They cleaned and pressed it and put it in the window. I bought it back for $15.

 

My wife and I decided to never go to bed angry. We've been awake since Tuesday.

 

Growing up, we knew Dad had had enough when we heard the recliner slam down. Kids these days will never know that fear.

 

My wife said: "That's the 4th time you've gone back for dessert! Doesn't it embarrass you?" I said: "No, I keep telling them it's for you."

 

She said she missed me. Normally that would be good but she's reloading.

 

When I was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus and that was the last time I ever heard about that shape.

 

Being old is when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go too.

 

I now know how it will all end for me, one of my kids will unplug my life support to charge their phone.

 

At a wedding reception, someone yelled: "All married people please stand next to the one person that has made your life worth living" The bartender was almost crushed to death.

 

I want someone I can share my entire life with who will leave me alone most of the time.

 

Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart, and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands, I will take you on vacation." We're spending 3 weeks behind the fridge.

 

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.-

[Brian Cooper]

[Brian Cooper]

[cymaz]