Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Brian Cooper]

Henry 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th or 8th.

What was the best vacuum cleaner you ever had?

[Brian Cooper]

Have just been to lunch in a really posh restaurant and the cheapest thing on the menu was "special boneless chicken" for £51.

 

When it turned up it was a fried egg.

[Brian Cooper]

A wealthy, young Arab man went to study in Germany. After a month of studying, he wrote a letter to his father telling him:

 

"Dear Dad,

Berlin is a very beautiful city, and the people are very kind to me, but I feel embarrassed when I arrive at the university in my Range Rover, while my great professors arrive by train."

After a short while, he received a letter from his father with a cheque for ten million dollars attached. The letter read:

"Buy yourself a train, my son, and don't embarrass us in front of foreigners."

[Brian Cooper]

[leccyflyer]

[Gary Manuel]

[kevin b]

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

 

[EvilC57]

[Brian Cooper]

[Brian Cooper]

[Brian Cooper]

[Shaun Walsh]

2 hours ago, Brian Cooper said:

I've a sinking feeling that his relationship is about to go down the plughole. She won't be overflowing with thanks. 

[Bruce Collinson]

Nope, the relationship is all washed up.

[Eric Robson]

[Brian Cooper]

[Brian Cooper]

[Paul De Tourtoulon]

[Brian Cooper]

[Brian Cooper]

[Brian Cooper]

[Brian Cooper]

[Brian Cooper]

[kevin b]

 

[Gary Manuel]

4 hours ago, kevin b said:

 

 

Impossible to read without bursting into song.

[Brian Cooper]