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ken anderson.

By ken anderson.,
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David Begg 1

David Begg 1

Posted
Posted

A Hill Billy boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.>>

The boy asked, "What is this Father?">>

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.">>

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.>>

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.>>

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24 year old blonde stepped out. The father said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother.">>

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cymaz

cymaz

Posted
Posted
A PERSPECTIVE OF FACEBOOK. >>
>>

For those of my generation who do not, and cannot, comprehend why Facebook exists: I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.>>

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.>>

I give them pictures of my family, my cat, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.>>

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them or WTF, OMG &LOL>>

And it works just like Facebook.>>

I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.

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cymaz

cymaz

Posted
Posted
Two elderly gentlemen from a
retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree
when one turns to the other and says:
'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains.
I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'
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Nigel Day

Nigel Day

Posted
Posted

How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.


Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.


You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do ?

ANSWER:

British Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?

5) Am I dressed provocatively ?

6) Could I run away ?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself ?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ?


Canadian Police Officer:

BANG !

American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !


Glasgow Police Officer:


"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer backside!"

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Shaunie

Shaunie

Posted
Posted
Posted by Nigel Day on 08/08/2016 17:36:09:

How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.


Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.


You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do ?

ANSWER:

British Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?

5) Am I dressed provocatively ?

6) Could I run away ?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself ?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ?


Canadian Police Officer:

BANG !

American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !


Glasgow Police Officer:


"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer backside!"

I just wish this forum had a "like" button!

Shaunie.

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KiwiKid

KiwiKid

Posted
Posted

The DoD was conducting an all forces training session involving the Royal Navy, British Army, Royal Marines and Royal Air Force. During an operational training session the instructor posed a question to four officers from each service “What would do if you found a scorpion in your tent?”

The sailor said “I'd step on it with my boot”

The soldier said “I'd squash that beastie with me helmet”

The marine said “I'd catch it, break the stinger off, and eat it”

The pilot said “I'd call my jolly batman and ask him what this 'ere tent is doin' in my bedroom”.

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Nigel Day

Nigel Day

Posted
Posted

This year's 'Best Joke' winners from the Fringe:

  1. "My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart" - Masai Graham
  2. "Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one…" - Stuart Mitchell
  3. "I've been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10" - Mark Watson
  4. "Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit" - Mark Smith
  5. "I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer… came second" - Will Duggan
  6. "Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated" - Tiff Stevenson
  7. "I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words" - Gary Delaney
  8. "Why is Henry's wife covered in tooth marks? Because he's Tudor" - Adele Cliff
  9. "Don't you hate it when people assume you're rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?" - Annie McGrath
  10. "Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask" - Jordan Brookes
  11. "Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first" - Michelle Wolf
  12. "I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound" - Roger Swift
  13. "Back in the day, Instagram just meant a really efficient drug dealer" - Arthur Smith
  14. "I'll tell you what's unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses" - Zoe Lyons
  15. "Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word" - Phil Nicol

Edited By Nigel Day on 23/08/2016 12:34:22

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KiwiKid

KiwiKid

Posted
Posted

A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

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David Holland 2

David Holland 2

Posted
Posted

A tough old sheep farmer from northern England gave some advice to his granddaughter back at the turn of the century.

He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her breakfast ever morning.

The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 109.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren and 25 great grandchildren.......

and a forty foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

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cymaz

cymaz

Posted
Posted
Posted by Peter Miller on 06/09/2016 17:05:34:

Go to Amazon and search for Veet hair removal for men. Then read the reviews. I can gaurantee that you will be luaghing yourself sick.

I also supsect that the moderators will remove this immediately.

Edited By Peter Miller on 06/09/2016 17:06:05

Poor old Andrew face 7face 3

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Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator

Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator

Posted
Posted
Posted by Peter Miller on 06/09/2016 17:05:34:

Go to Amazon and search for Veet hair removal for men. Then read the reviews. I can gaurantee that you will be luaghing yourself sick.

I also supsect that the moderators will remove this immediately.

Edited By Peter Miller on 06/09/2016 17:06:05

Well Peter - if you can advise me exactly which aspect of the CoC this breaches I'll be happy to oblige - but as I can't think of one it'll have to stay until further notice! smiley

BEB

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