Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[cymaz]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. 

 

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. 

 

He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. 

 

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her leg to her calf.  

 

Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. 

 

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.' 

Edited May 28, 2021 by cymaz

[ken anderson.]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[cymaz]

Why do SCUBA divers always fall backwards into the water?

 

 

 

Because if they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat

[john davidson 1]

A widow was being courted by two rather elderly gentlemen, both had proposed but she said she liked them both and just couldn't decide between them. She told them to have some sort of a competition and she would marry the winner!

 

They racked their brains to come up with some thing suitable, too old for boxing or such, then decided on a tin can eating contest. Word got around and on the day a crowd  had gathered plus several newspaper  reporters.

 

The first fellow, Fyffe by name started off but broke a tooth on the first tin and gave up.

The second fellow, Sven ,( of Swedish extraction)  didn't want to disappoint the crowd and had a determined attack, managing a superb total of nine cans before he started feeling sick and stopped .

 

The following day the Sun had the following across the front page ----

 

ONE     TOOTH    FREE    FOR     FYFFE    SICK    SVEN   ATE     NINE     TIN

[Peter Miller]

GOAN!!!!!

[cymaz]

 

 

 

For my investor friends - A Wonderful Rags to Riches Story

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.

He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine.

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do you think about the situation in the stock market?"

The man answered arrogantly, "Why are you so interested in that topic?"

The shoe guy replies,  "I have millions in your bank," he says, "and I'm considering investing some of the money in the capital market."

"What’s your name? " asked the executive.

“John H. Smith,” was the reply.

The CEO arrives at the bank and asks the Manager of the Customer Department “Do we have a client named John H. Smith?"

"Certainly" answers the Customer Service Manager, " he is a high-net-worth customer with 12.6 million dollars in his account."

The executive comes out, approaches the shoe shiner, and says, "Mr. Smith, I would like to invite you next Mondayto be the guest of honour at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life. I am sure we could learn something from your life's experience."

At the board meeting, the CEO introduces him to the board members.

"We all know Mr. Smith, from the corner shoeshine stand, but Mr. Smith is also an esteemed customer. I invited him here to tell us the story of his life and I am sure we can learn from him."

Mr. Smith began his story.

"I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name. I got off the ship without a penny and the first thing I did was change my name to Smith.

I was hungry and exhausted. I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail. Fortunately, I found a coin on the sidewalk. I bought an apple. I had two options, eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business.

I sold the apple for 25 cents and bought two apples with the money. I also sold them and continued in business. When I started accumulating a few dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes.

I didn't spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive. I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and polishes in different shades and expanded my clientele.

I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny. After a while, I was able to buy an armchair so my clients could sit comfortably while I shined their shoes, and that brought me more clients. I did not spend a penny on the joys of life. I kept saving every cent.

A few years ago, when the previous shoe shiner on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.

Finally, 6 months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me 12.6 million dollars."

[cymaz]

I just took a   
leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can
have sex at  85.

I'm so happy, because I live at   number 83.
So it's not too far to walk home
afterwards.
And it's the same side of the street.
I don't even have to cross the road!

[Ace]

 

 

 

[Ace]

What it means to be British One of the British National daily newspapers asked readers: “What does it mean to be British?”

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.

“Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer.”

“Then traveling home, grabbing an Indian Curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.”

He buys a holiday in Spain, skis in France, fancies Swedish girls and has a Romanian au-pair.”

And the most British thing of all?

“He is suspicious of anything foreign.”

[cymaz]

 

 

?

Edited July 4, 2021 by cymaz

[Nigel Grant 1]

Heaven is where the Police are British, the Chefs are French, the Mechanics German, the Lovers Italians and its all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is where the Chef’s are British, the Mechanics are French, the lovers Swiss, the Police are German, and its all organized by the Italians.

[ken anderson.]

man at the doctor's gets told he has "3 minutes to live"............... "can you do anything for me? "...he asks ... doctor replies "i can do you a boiled egg". 

 

ken anderson...ne...1..boilded egg dept.

[cymaz]

[john davidson 1]

A man driving home late at night was stopped by police and asked where he was going. He said that he was  going to a lecture on the effects of alcohol and late nights on the human body. Asked who was giving the lecture replied   " my wife  " !!!!

[john davidson 1]

Two men were  discussing the politics of the day and one said that in his opinion most politicians were  "post tortoises" The other intrigued asked what was a post tortoise?

 

Well when you are driving down the road and you see a tortoise on a post , that is a post tortoise

 

Seeing the bafflement on the others face he continued, well you know he couldn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do, elevated beyond his ability to function and you wonder what kind of idiot put him there

 

 

[cymaz]

A NEW VIRUS

 

 

The NILE Virus, type C

We are still battling the COVID-19 and the next thing is here already. Virologists have identified a new Nile virus - type C. It appears to target those who were born between 1930 & 1970.

 

Symptoms:Causes you

1. To send the same message twice.

2. To send a blank message.

3. To send a message to the wrong person.

4. To send it back to the person who sent it to you.

5. To forget to attach the attachment.

6. To hit SEND before you've finished.

7. To hit DELETE instead of SEND.

8. To SEND when you should DELETE.

 

 

It is called the C-NILE virus!

And if you cannot admit to doing the above,

you have obviously caught the mutated strain the D-NILE virus.

[J D 8]

In answer to last question of "post tortoise " what kind of idiot put him there ?   Sadly it is probably us who voted for him or her at the last election.?

[john davidson 1]

what is the definition of " ACOUSTIC "?

 

Answer- what a Scottish farmer controls his cattle with.

[cymaz]

Sticky...a bit like a stick

[cymaz]

Oops...naughty word at the end of the video ?

Edited July 16, 2021 by cymaz

[john davidson 1]

  A 70 year old man went into the confessional box and told the priest "I  put an advert up for someone to milk my herd of dairy  cows, a buxom 23 year woman old answered and  I gave her a months trial

   The trial was successful and I took her on full time, a few weeks later after milking was finished for the day she invited me home for a glass of wine, then a few days later a glass  of wine and a meal . I didn't go home that night and  I haven't gone home a few times since"

 

 "When was your last confession?" asked the priest

 

 " Confession, I don't do confession,  I'm not even a Catholic"

 

  "So why are you telling me all this?"

 

" Listen, I'm telling everyone!"

 

[cymaz]

 

More Brain Stuff
. . . From Cambridge University.

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs psas it on !!

[Steve Colman]

Seen tihs one bferoe but sitll vrey good.

Edited July 19, 2021 by Steve Colman

[cymaz]

 

 

 

 

[ken anderson.]

my friend has two dogs,called Rolex and Timex.............they are watch dogs.

 

ken anderson...ne..1...canine dept.