Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Brian Cooper]

TIPS ON HOW TO MAKE YOUR HOME SECURE.. 

Due to the rising crime in my local area - and the fact that the police can't be bothered to respond to 999 calls -  I have torn out my home security system and resigned from the Neighbourhood Watch Program.

I have now installed a Palestinian flag on my front door, an Iranian flag on my lawn and the black flag of ISIS waves from my roof.

I now have local police; a unit of the Met Anti-Terrorist force; MI5; MI6. and a couple of lads from the S.A.S that are now watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt more secure in my life..

[Brian Cooper]

[Brian Cooper]

[Peter Christy]

[Brian Cooper]

[J D 8]

 I had a cat like that one above. Gingernut, he would take on anything that came his way. One day I heard the milk tanker arrive on the yard, after a bit I heard a couple of toots, went to investigate driver said cat just would not move!

    On another occasion cat was sat in the middle of the lane as usual when a walker came along with a large dog, dog was on a lead but slipped his collar and tore down towards Gingernut who as usual did not move. At he last moment dog twigged this and tried to dodge to one side, out came a paw with a bunch of five claws which caught dog on the nose, after a terrible yelp dog ran back to owner bleeding a plenty. "Look what you cat did" she shouted. I just shrugged shoulders.

I after many years still miss that cat.

[extra slim]

42 minutes ago, J D 8 said:

 I had a cat like that one above. Gingernut, he would take on anything that came his way. One day I heard the milk tanker arrive on the yard, after a bit I heard a couple of toots, went to investigate driver said cat just would not move!

    On another occasion cat was sat in the middle of the lane as usual when a walker came along with a large dog, dog was on a lead but slipped his collar and tore down towards Gingernut who as usual did not move. At he last moment dog twigged this and tried to dodge to one side, out came a paw with a bunch of five claws which caught dog on the nose, after a terrible yelp dog ran back to owner bleeding a plenty. "Look what you cat did" she shouted. I just shrugged shoulders.

I after many years still miss that cat.

Reminds me of our long haired ginger rescued psycho feline. He would sit on the 8ft wall surrounding the house like a statue. My brother and I would argue and fight as to whose turn it was. Whose it was to run out and peel him off the unsuspecting Sunday afternoon stroller who reached up to tickle his chin, not knowing his favourite hobby was to launch himself off the wall and try and rip one’s throat out. Oh happy days, still have the scars as a memory of that little cutie

[Shaun Walsh]

Our neutered ginger tom cat would regularly see off the local foxes, we used to call him "Ginger No Nuts".

[Martin Harris - Moderator]

I had a caravan when I was living at a gliding club for a while and was adopted by the club mouser.  When I say mouser, he had delusions of grandeur and concentrated his efforts on decimating the rabbit population.  Despite the extensive larder available to him, I fed him each night and installed a cat flap.  This was converted to a cat valve the morning after finding not only the unpalatable remains of a rabbit's entrails but the head and neck of a stoat under my bed.  After some months I happened to look under the caravan afor some reason nd it was like a scene from The Killing Fields movie with rabbit skulls as far as the eye could see!

 

The cat had a reputation for unprovoked attacks on hands that stroked it but never drew any (of my) blood.  He did have a habit of suddenly wrapping his paws/claws around an arm and gripping my hand with his teeth after some time of being stroked - scary stuff at first but I quickly realised that he wasn't trying to inflict damage.  I suspect others had instinctively pulled away leaving shredded flesh and dripping blood...

 

 

[Brian Cooper]

[Brian Cooper]

[Peter Christy]

[Bruce Collinson]

1 hour ago, Brian Cooper said:

As a confirmed Beemer driver, I would just say in mitigation that mine appears to be the only car which ever indicates correctly at the mini roundabout in the next village.   Must be OCD.

[J D 8]

 My old land rover's steering lock is just not tight enough to go around a mini roundabout, so over I go.

[Don Fry]

I used to pee on mine to defrost the windscreen. And before you lot start thinking fire engines, as in stand on the bonnet and pee.

I also liked the automatic ashtray. No door sill so the fag ends fell out as they accumulated. 
Not a dainty girlfriend magnet.

[Ron Gray]

5 minutes ago, Don Fry said:

Not a dainty girlfriend magnet.

Oh I don’t know Don, the sight of you in Tesco’s car park standing on your bonnet peeing on your windscreen before you drive home should have them flocking.

[Don Fry]

Not the sub zero degree version.

[Ron Gray]

Move along now, absolutely nothing to see here.

[Geoff S]

1 hour ago, J D 8 said:

 My old land rover's steering lock is just not tight enough to go around a mini roundabout, so over I go.

 

You drive it with the steering locked? No wonder you turn over.

[Bruce Collinson]

3 hours ago, J D 8 said:

 My old land rover's steering lock is just not tight enough to go around a mini roundabout, so over I go.

Well obviously I do that too; it's a BMW after all, but at least I indicate whilst doing so.

[Peter Christy]

 

[leccyflyer]

[cymaz]

Double yellows are reserved for BMWs

[Paul De Tourtoulon]

1 hour ago, cymaz said:

Double yellows are reserved for BMWs

As are Handicapped spaces and pedestrian crossings.

[Brian Cooper]

2 hours ago, cymaz said:

Double yellows are reserved for BMWs

Red traffic lights mean "GO" for BMWs. 

Lane 3 on a motorway is the BMW lane. . . They hate anyone trespassing in their lane.