Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[PatMc]

1 hour ago, Brian Cooper said:

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawrs."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure statd: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

 

Bear in mind that all of the above quotes were faithfully taken from an Internet source, so they must be 100% accurate 🙄  

[kevin b]

1 hour ago, Shaun Walsh said:

Please remember that half of the UK population are of below average intelligence!

Is that the bottom half of the country ?    😁

[Martin Harris - Moderator]

Hmmm - according to my map, the bottom half of the country starts just north of Edinburgh (don't forget that the UK extends to the Shetlands).  While average intelligence won't follow a straight line distribution, with a tiny proportion of the population living in the north, this suggests our Scottish Highlands and Islands friends may be rather happy with your supposition!

[Brian Cooper]

[EvilC57]

12 hours ago, Brian Cooper said:

THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawrs."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure statd: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

 

Reminds me of this one…

 

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct & inspect the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[Peter Miller]

On 220 Squadron (Shackletons)  Entry in form 700 

" Mouse in aircraft"

" Trap set. Aircraft serviceable to fly"

[extra slim]

Mornin all, little early this morning as I wanted to see if my new book about poltergeists made the best sellers list.................apparently it's flying off the shelves

[PatMc]

1 hour ago, EvilC57 said:

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Sorry but that's not true. 

Whilst Qantas does have an excellent safety record, it has had accidents including fatal in it's long history.

[Martin Harris - Moderator]

I understand that their non fatal accident record applies to pure jet operation. 

[Chris Walby]

While researching DC3/C47's history there were a couple of an incident reports that stood out.

• While the aircraft was in flight one engine began to vibrate, followed by severe vibration and then engine fire, shortly followed by the engine falling off and a note saying the engine fire extinguished...clearly not a problem then! 
• The other was engine failure on take off, followed by ditching in the sea. The aircraft was then recovered and returned to service a number of months later...IMO you will never wash all of the salt water out....a problem for another day?

I am sure there are many more not reported for whatever reason, just like model flying 🙂 

[Peter Miller]

When I was at St Mawgan  22 Squadron had a Whirlwind that landed in the sea in Padstow Bay.  The salt water destroyed the magnesium skin before they could get it out.

[Geoff S]

14 hours ago, Shaun Walsh said:

Please remember that half of the UK population are of below average intelligence!

 

... and yet 99% of the population has more than the average number of legs.  Averages are tricky things to use.

[Brian Cooper]

[Brian Cooper]

I think we should be thankful for the times we live in.

If a bloke hadn't invented electricity, we'd have to watch the TV by candle light.

 

[leccyflyer]

[ken anderson.]

never knew until today that Richard Gere has a famous brother called Gottle....who is a ventriloquist.

 

ken anderson...ne...1..richard gere dept.

Edited August 23 by ken anderson.

[Robin Colbourne]

12 hours ago, Peter Miller said:

On 220 Squadron (Shackletons)  Entry in form 700 

" Mouse in aircraft"

" Trap set. Aircraft serviceable to fly"

Shortly before I joined the unmanned aircraft department at the Royal Aircraft Establishment Farnborough, they had been out to a military range at Suffield in Alberta for a few weeks of flight trials.  The UAV they were operating, about 7ft wingspan and powered by a Webra 91, was fired from a catapult launcher, and had a video camera behind a hemispherical dome on the nose (a bit like a Lancaster Bomb aimer would have had).
Part way through one flight, a mouse was seen walking across in front of the camera.

[Peter Christy]

15 hours ago, leccyflyer said:

 

Reminds me of the time I was working for a major news broadcaster, here in the UK. I was the shift supervisor in the videotape department that night which was around the time the miner's strike ended, and it was about 15 minutes before on-air. A senior journalist from the newsroom burst in shouting "We may have to change the top of the show!". This caused me some concern, as for once, we had everything ready to roll early. Now bear with me! You have to read the next bit out loud to get the drift:

 

Me: "What's up?"

 

Journo: "The Home Secretary has been caught with a minor!"

 

Me: "A MINER?!?"

 

Journo: "NO!! NO!! A MINOR!!!"

 

As all the news had been about for months was the miner's strike, it was an easy mistake to make!

 

In the event, the fact checking didn't stand the story up. To run an accusation like that about a senior government minister requires at least two verifiable sources. In the event, both were traced back to a common source, and the story was dropped. But it caused much hilarity, the thought of the Home Secretary being caught in flagrente with a coal covered individual with a lamp on his head bringing tears to the eyes of the normally stoical techies....!

 

--

Pete

 

[Peter Miller]

Many years ago the Canadians got permission to retrieve a crashed Japanese fighter from a jungle in the far east for a museum.

They sent a Canadian Hercules to collect it and this was duly loaded into the aircraft and they started back. In the flight  hundreds of assorted bugs crawled out of the wreck and when they landed in Honolulu they shut ever door and sprayed masses of insecticide into the aircraft.

The next stop was San Francisco and more millions of bugs had crawled out and  more insecticide was sprayed into the aircraft.

They carried on to Canada where they landed in mid winter with more bugs crawling out.

This time they just parked the aircraft out in the open with all the doors open and the freezing temperatures.

After that NOTHING MOVED

[EvilC57]

[Brian Cooper]

[Brian Cooper]

[kevin b]

[Brian Cooper]

[Brian Cooper]