Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[extra slim]

What has the world come to, I've just been checking my home insurance renewal, turns out that if someone breaks in during the night and steals my duvet, I'm not covered!

[leccyflyer]

They really shouldn't be taking the Bounty out of the Celebration buckets, people can get upset by that sort of thing/

 

Last Christmas I swapped the wrappers around and my wife got her Snickers in a Twix!

[leccyflyer]

Marriage is just like a game of cards.

 

It starts off all Hearts and Diamonds, but later on you're really wanting a Club and a Spade.......

[extra slim]

My friend has just text me, she’s at the airport and a lady has fainted and fell on the luggage carousel!!.. it’s ok though, she seems to be coming around slowly 

[Richard Acland]

21 hours ago, Eric Robson said:

My wife was put on a course of tablets, after a few days she said they are good they make me feel like a new woman. I said they  must contain something I've been eating for the last ten years.

I'm not saying my wife is fat, but the other day she got on an "I speak your weight" set of scales and it said " one at a time please"

[PatMc]

Problem at Newcastle airport today, security at the departure area were ushering passengers around a big pile of dog poo whilst it was being cleared up. It was due to a false alarm, one of the dogs thought it had detected a bomb. 

[Brian Cooper]

[Geoff Copping]

17 hours ago, Richard Acland said:

I'm not saying my wife is fat, but the other day she got on an "I speak your weight" set of scales and it said " one at a time please"

I'm not saying my wife is fat but I have to sit up in the morning to see if it's light or not.

[cymaz]

[Brian Cooper]

[Peter Christy]

We really do need a <GROAN> icon added to the "Like" button.....!

😝

--

Pete

 

[Paul De Tourtoulon]

[cymaz]

I used to work in a kitchen as a chef and swore and shouted alot.

 

I then discovered oven gloves

 

[leccyflyer]

Pat goes to the doctor with chest pains. The doctor examines him and diagnoses acute angina. 

Pat says - "is there anything you can do for me doctor"

The doctor says "Sure Pat, I'll give you some tablets and you'll be grand. Here you go. "

"Do I need to take one every day, Doc" says Pat.

"No Pat, you take one on Monday, then skip Tuesday, take another on Wednesday, skip Thursday, another on Friday, skip Saturday, then take the last one on Sunday and I'll see you next week"

Anyway, Pat doesn't turn up on the following Monday but the doctor see's Pat's wife in the street and he asks her how Pat is doing.

She says "Ah, Pat's had a heart attack, doctor and he's dead"

"Oh, that's a terrible shame" says the doctor " I thought he'd be okay with those tablets I gave him"

"Ah, now" she says "The tablets were fine - it was all the skipping that killed him......"

[Bruce Collinson]

Pat previously had athlete’s foot.   The doctor told him to put some fungicidal stuff on every morning, and to be sure to wear a clean pair of socks every day.

within three days, he couldn’t get his shoes on.

[PatMc]

4 hours ago, leccyflyer said:

Pat goes to the doctor with chest pains. The doctor examines him and diagnoses acute angina. 

Pat says - "is there anything you can do for me doctor"

The doctor says "Sure Pat, I'll give you some tablets and you'll be grand. Here you go. "

"Do I need to take one every day, Doc" says Pat.

"No Pat, you take one on Monday, then skip Tuesday, take another on Wednesday, skip Thursday, another on Friday, skip Saturday, then take the last one on Sunday and I'll see you next week"

Anyway, Pat doesn't turn up on the following Monday but the doctor see's Pat's wife in the street and he asks her how Pat is doing.

She says "Ah, Pat's had a heart attack, doctor and he's dead"

"Oh, that's a terrible shame" says the doctor " I thought he'd be okay with those tablets I gave him"

"Ah, now" she says "The tablets were fine - it was all the skipping that killed him......"

That's not funny. 😠

 

1 hour ago, Bruce Collinson said:

Pat previously had athlete’s foot.   The doctor told him to put some fungicidal stuff on every morning, and to be sure to wear a clean pair of socks every day.

within three days, he couldn’t get his shoes on.

That's not funny either. 😠

 

Pat.

 

[Christopher Wolfe]

[extra slim]

You know what it is like, just had a big bust up with the Mrs.. I accused her of smearing glue all over my rifle collection, which she denied.

But I'm sticking to my guns.🙃

[john davidson 1]

It is not widely known that William Tell invented yodelling, he was being chased up a Swiss valley by soldiers when a farmer saw and hid him in the barn. After the soldiers gave up the farmer gave him a meal and a bed for the night 

    in the morning the farmer stood with Tell and showed him the track up the mountain which led to over to the next valley and safety .As he watched William Tell climb  high above the farmers daughter appeared and said "father, that man came into my room and had his wicked way with me"

    "Tell , after all I did for you , you ravaged my daughter" called the farmer up the  mountain

    William Tell cupped his hands and shouted back "And your old ladeee toooo"

[Brian Cooper]

I was walking past my local cafe the other day and the sign outside read, "5 chicken dinners £10". 

 

I thought I will have one now and freeze the other four, so I went in and put down £10 and asked for the chicken dinners. . . . . . and she came out with five bags of corn.

[Shaun Walsh]

45 minutes ago, Brian Cooper said:

I was walking past my local cafe the other day and the sign outside read, "5 chicken dinners £10". 

 

I thought I will have one now and freeze the other four, so I went in and put down £10 and asked for the chicken dinners. . . . . . and she came out with five bags of corn.

£10? That's chicken feed!

[Christopher Wolfe]

1 hour ago, Brian Cooper said:

I was walking past my local cafe the other day and the sign outside read, "5 chicken dinners £10". 

 

I thought I will have one now and freeze the other four, so I went in and put down £10 and asked for the chicken dinners. . . . . . and she came out with five bags of corn.

 

That's a pretty corny joke 🌽

[cymaz]

I knew Ostriches could fly

 

 

[Brian Cooper]

[extra slim]

Mornin all, started my new diet last night, switched from eating venison to eating pheasant................absolute game changer!