Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Fun Flyer]

Security!

[Nigel Day]

Sharon and Tracey are at the airport, queuing at check-in at the beginning of their holiday.

“I wish I had brought the TV with me” said Sharon.

“Why’s that?” asks Tracey

“Because the tickets are on top of it”

Edited By Biggles' Elder Brother - Moderator on 29/04/2016 12:58:53

[Dave Hopkin]

The country is going to the dogs............

Was up in Blackpool yesterday, walking down the prom and I saw this man and woman having a right barney, worse the wear for drink I assumed, they were screaming and shouting at each other for all to see, just like something off Jeremy Kyle, then the woman starts hitting the bloke... Pretty soon the police arrived, but I think he misread the situation and started trying to arrest the man and hitting him with his baton.... pretty quickly it turned really nasty, the bloke wrestled with the policeman and managed to get his baton off him and started to hit the policeman...... just when I thought it couldn't get any worse a crocodile turned up and stole the sausages.....

[Bob Cotsford]

you had me going for a minute there Dave, very good!

[J D 8]

I like that one Dave.

[Steve Colman]

A thoroughly good laugh, thanks very much Dave,

[David Begg 1]

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice..?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy about the birds and the bees.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching..?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

[Dave Hopkin]

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday, we were campaigning.. ...
Today, you voted."

[Dave Hopkin]

Well known but still makes me smile.....

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.
The engineers read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Peter Miller]

And one that I did actually see in a Shackleton Form 700 (aircraft servicing record)

P:Mouse in arcraft

S: Trap set, aircraft serviceable to fly.

[john stones 1 - Moderator]

Chuckle

[Josip Vrandecic -Mes]

Drone Strike again......

**LINK**

Edited By Josip Vrandecic -Mes on 14/05/2016 09:59:05

[Peter Miller]

Great Stuff

[Cliff Bastow]

I did not realise Quantas fit IFF (identification friend or foe) or targeting radar! Bit worrying that!

Seriously though very funny although I heard several similar from my days in the RAF.

[Dave Hopkin]

Man tell woman he can, using mystical powers determine the day of the week she was born on

"How" she asks.

"By placing my hands on your chest and gently massaging" he replies

Skeptically she says - "oh go on then"

So he does the massage for a few moments then a few more moments and then for a lot more moments

Impatiently she says "Well what day was I born on then?"

"Yesterday" he replies

[kevin b]

[KiwiKid]

The world is full of trickery.

[cymaz]

Two little nuggets of wisdom that I was told yesterday...

1. On take off, runway behind the plane is a waste of good Tarmac.
2. The only time you can have too much fuel in an aircraft is when it's on fire.

[Peter Miller]

And, as the late, great Neil Williams said.

"The amount of sky above you is the most useless comoditiy in Aerobatics"

[Dave Hopkin]

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted.

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."

After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still under the cart, I guess."

[iqon]

[kevin lane]

Similar true story happened to me many years ago whilst working in a local school.

I had taken Derek and John to collect some large triangular stage blocks from another local school.

We got them back in the trailer and started unloading, Derek a farmers son who thought he knew everything was complaining about how far he had to carry them.

I left them whilst I made a drink in the staffroom just 20 ft away with a warning not to unhook the trailer.

Suddenly Derek knocked on the door and when I opened it was leaning nonchalantly on the frame.

Yes Derek says I.

Blocks Ave fell off says Derek with his pronounced stutter. Have you unhitched the trailer? I asked yyyeesss replies Derek sheepishly. Well get John to help you pick them up.

He ccc aaaa nnnn ttt sir.

Why where has he gone?

He's under um.

[Fredrum]

Apparently the guy who wrote the Hokey Pokey died recently. When they were putting him in the coffin, they put the left leg in. That's when the trouble started.

[Andy Butler]

What if the Hokey Cokey really IS what it's all about?

[Peter Miller]