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Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

ken anderson.

By ken anderson.,
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Robert Cracknell

Robert Cracknell

Posted
Posted

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up, and shouted, “I AM NOT HAPPY !!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

******************************************

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to make love?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

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cymaz

cymaz

Posted
Posted
Posted by ken anderson. on 23/01/2021 10:24:56:

due to current interest....I've set away a Fan club....if anyone is interested...send £1000.... to ne..1... land, Young Ashers and I will do the rest...send you a bit paper with a membership number etc....

 

ken anderson...ne...1.....fan club/not dept

I’d love to Ken but I’ve sent a load of money to my cousin in Ghana. Apparently his 3 wives are sick and need help with buying some real estate to help them recover 

Edited By cymaz on 23/01/2021 13:04:12

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kevin b

kevin b

Posted
Posted
Posted by cymaz on 23/01/2021 13:03:43:
Posted by ken anderson. on 23/01/2021 10:24:56:

due to current interest....I've set away a Fan club....if anyone is interested...send £1000.... to ne..1... land, Young Ashers and I will do the rest...send you a bit paper with a membership number etc....

ken anderson...ne...1.....fan club/not dept

I’d love to Ken but I’ve sent a load of money to my cousin in Ghana. Apparently his 3 wives are sick and need help with buying some real estate to help them recover

Edited By cymaz on 23/01/2021 13:04:12

That's a coincidence. The same has happened to me.

Maybe we're related ! smiley

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Robert Cracknell

Robert Cracknell

Posted
Posted

A friend asked to borrow £10000 for cosmetic plastic surgery on his face. He hasn't paid me back and whats more I've no idea what he looks like now.....!!!

A local in a Glaswegian bar suddenly shouted...."all drinks on me". Headlines in the local paper next day..." English ventriliquist murdered in Glasgow bar"

Old lady to Chemist..."Do you have cortton wool balls..." Chemists reply..."Do I look like a teddy bear..?"

Edited By Robert Cracknell on 24/01/2021 02:40:28

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Michael Kulagin

Michael Kulagin

Posted
Posted

An 80 year old woman gets arrested for shoplifting.

In court the judge asks her what she stole.

She replies, a can of peaches.

How many peaches were in the can? asks the judge.

Six your honour, replies the woman.

I think I'll sentence you to six day in jail, says the judge.

Before he can pass sentence her husband pipes up, She also stole a can of peas!

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cymaz

cymaz

Posted
Posted

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

...

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience then got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's having his way with me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry!"

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Dave Cunnington

Dave Cunnington

Posted
Posted

Northern Territories (Australia) : Woman Slows Crocodile Attack using just a small 22 calibre Ruger Pistol ..... another good reason to have a small weapons permit. This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol, against a fierce predator. Here's her story in her own words .....

"While walking along the edge of a creek just outside my house in NT discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 4 metre croc which suddenly emerged from the murky water.

It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.”

"If I had not had my little Ruger .22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!"


"Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee was all it took. The 'croc got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible and his life insurance was also a big bonus!”

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  • Martin Harris - Moderator changed the title to Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

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