Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[J D 8 - Moderator]

6 hours ago, EvilC57 said:

 There is a you tube channel " Just rolled in" It is just amazing what mechanics see. My favorite is a pickup driven twenty miles to the service station, even stood still mechanics hear a strange noise coming from the back so put it up on the lift and find Chicken🐔 perched on rear axle!

[Brian Cooper]

[Brian Cooper]

[EvilC57]

32 minutes ago, J D 8 - Moderator said:

 There is a you tube channel " Just rolled in" It is just amazing what mechanics see. My favorite is a pickup driven twenty miles to the service station, even stood still mechanics hear a strange noise coming from the back so put it up on the lift and find Chicken🐔 perched on rear axle!

Yes, I watch it regularly. It’s unbelievable the things people get up to, and the wrecks they drive.

[EvilC57]

Anyway, back to the funnies…

 

[Brian Cooper]

[Brian Cooper]

[Brian Cooper]

[Paul De Tourtoulon]

[Sheepish]

[Brian Cooper]

I met my girlfriend on the net. . . We were both rubbish trapeze artists.

[cymaz]

I’ve read that the Flat Earth Society will be sponsoring a round the world race

[Shaun Walsh]

6 minutes ago, cymaz said:

I’ve read that the Flat Earth Society will be sponsoring a round the world race

Surely that counts as a circular tour?

[Shaun Walsh]

6 minutes ago, cymaz said:

I’ve read that the Flat Earth Society will be sponsoring a round the world race

If the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge by now.

[kevin b]

2 hours ago, Shaun Walsh said:

Surely that counts as a circular tour?

In a round about way.

[kevin b]

The Hilarious Quotes of Steven Wright:

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[Christopher Wolfe]

True story.

 

My neighbour's 11 year old daughter proudly told me that she was now a Vegan (one of her new schoolteachers is apparently an animal liberation activist)

 

So I just remarked to her "Well that's nice, but you're a long way from home"

 

When she asked me what I meant  I told her that Vega is a very bright star about 25 light years from Earth Vega.

 

Young lass disappeared for a few minutes to check out my answer on her phone.

 

Her dad (a retired sheep and cattle farmer) just smiled.

 

Such is life 🙃

 

* Chris *

[Peter Miller]

There are lies, damned lies and statistics

[Brian Cooper]

[Gavin Mack]

[cymaz]

Still missed

[Gary Manuel]

[Brian Cooper]

[Brian Cooper]

[Mike T]

4 hours ago, Gary Manuel said:

Clipped his ear...

 

...missing his brain by 4 feet...