Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Daithi O Buitigh]

[flight1]

I was always told to measure twice and cut once, but they left out which side of the line to cut to

[ken anderson.]

two ships have collided out in the north sea, a red one and a blue one...….there are reports some of the crews have been "marooned" …………

ken anderson.....ne....1...marine dept.

[Dave Cunnington]

A ship carrying whisky has gone aground and broken up on the rocks next to a seabird colony.

....this event has not left even a single tern unstoned

Edited By Dave Cunnington on 12/11/2020 20:26:32

[cymaz]

A Grizzly Bear enters a bar. “ I would like a whiskey ..................................................... ............and soda”

”Why the big pause?” Says the barman.

The bear shrugged and said, “ Dunno, I’ve always had them like this “

[extra slim]

Termite walks into a bar and asks “is the bartender here?”

[Romeo Whisky]

[EvilC57]

I treated myself to a new 6 inch steel rule last week, and noticed the label on the back of the protective cover it came in. The thing is, which do I believe? Is it precision made, or are all figures approximate?

[Peter Miller]

That is designed for TLAR work. (That looks about right)

[Shaun Walsh]

Posted by EvilC57 on 16/11/2020 12:09:07:

I treated myself to a new 6 inch steel rule last week, and noticed the label on the back of the protective cover it came in. The thing is, which do I believe? Is it precision made, or are all figures approximate?

I think this highlights the difference between accuracy and precision.

The ruler is precision made, so if you compare lots of different examples of this ruler they will give you the same measured figure, however they may not be accurate So you could measure a piece of wood that is actually 15.0cms long with several different examples of the same ruler and get exactly the same measurement but that measurement may be 14.8cm, so it's precise, but not accurate.

Edited By Shaun Walsh on 16/11/2020 13:05:38

[Simon Feather]

Reminds me a bit of the time, a great many years ago now, we bought some coils of rope.

The label said helpfully "50 feet x 1cm"

Probably accurate.... but it came not long after lectures at school about not mixing units.

[Tim Morton]

Mixed units .. 😃

reminds me of a situation where a large multinational company used psi/m as a pressure gradient

[EvilC57]

Posted by Shaun Walsh on 16/11/2020 13:04:40:

Posted by EvilC57 on 16/11/2020 12:09:07:

I treated myself to a new 6 inch steel rule last week, and noticed the label on the back of the protective cover it came in. The thing is, which do I believe? Is it precision made, or are all figures approximate?

I think this highlights the difference between accuracy and precision.

The ruler is precision made, so if you compare lots of different examples of this ruler they will give you the same measured figure, however they may not be accurate So you could measure a piece of wood that is actually 15.0cms long with several different examples of the same ruler and get exactly the same measurement but that measurement may be 14.8cm, so it's precise, but not accurate.

Edited By Shaun Walsh on 16/11/2020 13:05:38

I suspect the ruler is reasonably accurate. However I would imagine the declaration on the label is more of a backside covering statement, as there’s no indication of calibration or conformance to national standards.

[EvilC57]

Posted by Shaun Walsh on 16/11/2020 13:04:40:

Posted by EvilC57 on 16/11/2020 12:09:07:

I treated myself to a new 6 inch steel rule last week, and noticed the label on the back of the protective cover it came in. The thing is, which do I believe? Is it precision made, or are all figures approximate?

I think this highlights the difference between accuracy and precision.

The ruler is precision made, so if you compare lots of different examples of this ruler they will give you the same measured figure, however they may not be accurate So you could measure a piece of wood that is actually 15.0cms long with several different examples of the same ruler and get exactly the same measurement but that measurement may be 14.8cm, so it's precise, but not accurate.

Edited By Shaun Walsh on 16/11/2020 13:05:38

I suspect the ruler is reasonably accurate. However I would imagine the declaration on the label is more of a backside covering statement, as there’s no indication of calibration or conformance to national standards.

[Gary Manuel]

I suspect that the "All figures are approximate" just means that individual rules have not been calibrated to traceable standards. If it's a precision made instrument, chances are that it's just as accurate as one that has been calibrated. A quick side by side comparison against a calibrated rule should prove whether this is the case or not.

The irony here is that the rule also says "Tried and Tested" on it, by cunning use of the trade name.

edit - EvilC57 got there before me.

 

Edited By Gary Manuel on 16/11/2020 15:22:03

[cymaz]

THE SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted ......

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk, I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD RETIRED GUYS

[cymaz]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... .....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[kevin b]

[Peter Miller]

[john stones 1 - Moderator]

+

[Tim Ballinger]

Utterly brilliant.

Best humour ever.

Tim

[Peter Christy]

Brilliant!

--

Pete

[Shaun Walsh]

I need a team effort here, I would like to produce a Covid related 12 Days of Christmas, to start us off, here are the first four days:

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a Barnard's Castle eye test for free.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two vaccines waiting and a Barnard's Castle eye test for free.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me, three tiers of lockdown, two vaccines waiting and a Barnard's Castle eye test for free.

On the fourth day of lockdown my true love gave to me, four national policies, three tiers of lockdown, two vaccines waiting and a Barnard's Castle eye test for free.

Please feel free to complete the remaining eight days.

[john davidson 1]

A fellow staggered out of the pub rather over refreshed and started home., as he pased a field of pumpkins he felt a stirring in his loins, went into the field and bored a hole in a pumpkin with his penknife and got in there. a police car stopped , the cop got out and shone his torch on the act proceeding in front.. "Are you doing what I think you are doing with that pumpkin"

"Pumpkin? is it after midnight already?"

[Martin Harris - Moderator]

Posted by Shaun Walsh on 18/11/2020 18:51:33:

Please feel free to complete the remaining eight days.

 

Five Scottish tiers...

Edited By Martin Harris on 18/11/2020 19:10:17