john stones 1 - Moderator Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 Posted by ken anderson. on 12/04/2020 17:24:25: well done pete…………….. ………………………………………………………………………………. things are getting tough in ne..1..land ...the seagulls are putting bread down for us.. ken anderson...ne..1...tough dept You have bread ? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete B Posted April 12, 2020 Share Posted April 12, 2020 Posted by john stones 1 on 12/04/2020 17:40:21: Posted by ken anderson. on 12/04/2020 17:24:25: things are getting tough in ne..1..land ...the seagulls are putting bread down for us.. ken anderson...ne..1...tough dept You have bread ? Cut out the middle-man - eat the seagull.... Pete Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erfolg Posted April 17, 2020 Share Posted April 17, 2020 A travel commercial when we can all go flying or on holidays again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bruce Collinson Posted April 17, 2020 Share Posted April 17, 2020 I haven’t time to go back 109 posts so have we had these this time round? Lockdown begins to bite. The local Oregami shop has folded. The bespoke brassiere maker has gone bust. Artisan ice-cream maker has lost power and gone into liquidation. Bonsai Bank is cutting down on branches. Samurai Bank has made deep cuts, although Ninja Bank says it’s still in the black despite some big hits. Sushi Bank claims to have had a raw deal which it says is fishy. Loo roll maker has been wiped out, even though they thought they’d clean up. Business has gone down the pan. Etc. BTC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gary Manuel Posted April 23, 2020 Share Posted April 23, 2020 Stewart and his wife Barbara go to the county fair every year, And every year Stewart would say, "Barbara, I'd like to ride in that helicopter" Barbara always replied, "I know Stewart, but that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid!" One year later Stewart and Barbara went to the fair, and Stewart said, "Barbara, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance" To this, Barbara replied, "Stewart, that helicopter ride is seventy quid, and seventy quid is seventy quid" The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's seventy quid. " Stewart and Barbara agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word... When they landed, the pilot turned to Stewart and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!" Stewart replied, "Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Barbara fell out, But you know, seventy quid is seventy quid!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daithi O Buitigh Posted May 3, 2020 Share Posted May 3, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cymaz Posted May 3, 2020 Share Posted May 3, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ken anderson. Posted May 3, 2020 Author Share Posted May 3, 2020 anyone know if we can have a bath or shower....or do we just carry on washing our hands ? ken anderson...ne..1....hand wash dept. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
extra slim Posted May 3, 2020 Share Posted May 3, 2020 Yesterday I was robbed by six dwarfs Not Happy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brian Cooper Posted May 3, 2020 Share Posted May 3, 2020 I cycled to the local shop for a bottle of gin so we didn't run out during the lockdown, but as I put it in my basket I thought, "What if I fall off my bike and break the bottle?" So I drank it all outside the shop. It's a good think that I did as I fell off the bike 7 times on the way home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gary Manuel Posted May 3, 2020 Share Posted May 3, 2020 I had to google "Groot". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cymaz Posted May 3, 2020 Share Posted May 3, 2020 I am Groot Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwain Dibley. Posted May 4, 2020 Share Posted May 4, 2020 I am Groot Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlyinBrian Posted May 4, 2020 Share Posted May 4, 2020 NO, I am Groot Edited By FlyinBrian on 04/05/2020 15:59:28 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin b Posted May 4, 2020 Share Posted May 4, 2020 You're all wrong. I am Groot. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peter Miller Posted May 6, 2020 Share Posted May 6, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigel Day Posted May 9, 2020 Share Posted May 9, 2020 Just asked a 6-year old if he understands why there is no school. He said yes because they are out of toilet paper. On the bright side, I am no longer calling this shelter-in-place. I am an artist-in-residence. After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason. You’re not stuck at home, you're safe at home. One word can change your attitude and one cough can change your life. Coronavirus has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We’re told “no” if we get too close to strangers and we get really excited about car rides. If you thought toilet paper was crazy ... just wait until 300 million people all want a haircut appointment. 2020 is a unique Leap Year. It has 29 days in February, 300 days in March and 5 years in April. Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to prevent COVID-19 but to stop eating. If you keep a glass of wine in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face. This cleaning with alcohol is total b.s. NOTHING gets done after that first bottle. Kinda starting to understand why pets try to run out of the house when the door opens. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands??? You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people home schooled by day drinkers…. I swear my fridge just said: “what the hell do you want now?” Whoever owes you money, go to their house now. They should be home. Edited By Nigel Day on 09/05/2020 08:12:52 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cymaz Posted May 9, 2020 Share Posted May 9, 2020 Best of the best Nigel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bob Cotsford Posted May 9, 2020 Share Posted May 9, 2020 excellent Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Keith Berriman Posted May 9, 2020 Share Posted May 9, 2020 Trust this is acceptable by Moderators Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
john stones 1 - Moderator Posted May 9, 2020 Share Posted May 9, 2020 Nigel Day, hello stranger hope you're keeping well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nigel Day Posted May 9, 2020 Share Posted May 9, 2020 Fine thanks John, but not modelling. I hope everyone on here is staying OK too. I've been following the jokes recently and thought that this latest lot were too good not to pass on. And they won't have given the mods and cause for concern either..... Edited By Nigel Day on 09/05/2020 17:40:11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
john stones 1 - Moderator Posted May 9, 2020 Share Posted May 9, 2020 Good to hear from you Nigel, mind how you go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daithi O Buitigh Posted May 10, 2020 Share Posted May 10, 2020 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gavin Mack Posted May 10, 2020 Share Posted May 10, 2020 apologies if these are already in thread, post probably will be removed as not PC best plane restraint Edited By Gavin Mack on 10/05/2020 12:49:47 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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