Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Daithi O Buitigh]

Posted by Shaun Walsh on 18/11/2020 18:51:33:

I need a team effort here, I would like to produce a Covid related 12 Days of Christmas, to start us off, here are the first four days:

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, a Barnard's Castle eye test for free.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me, two vaccines waiting and a Barnard's Castle eye test for free.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me, three tiers of lockdown, two vaccines waiting and a Barnard's Castle eye test for free.

On the fourth day of lockdown my true love gave to me, four national policies, three tiers of lockdown, two vaccines waiting and a Barnard's Castle eye test for free.

Please feel free to complete the remaining eight days.

Six lorry jams, five facial masks, four national policies, three tiers of lockdown, two vaccines waiting and a Barnard's Castle eye test for free.

[Shaun Walsh]

Seven Nightingale hospitals

[Shaun Walsh]

Eight packs of pasta

[Shaun Walsh]

Five toilet rolllllls!

[Martin Harris - Moderator]

Six MPs Isolating

[john stones 1 - Moderator]

8 Cronies Milking.

10 lords rewarded.

And for HS2, they cut down the Pear tree.

[cymaz]

 

 

 

Albeit from our American cousins....this always makes me chuckle

Just promise me  you won’t google a certain antipodean gentleman. PM me and I’ll send a link

Edited By cymaz on 18/11/2020 22:17:50

Edited By cymaz on 18/11/2020 22:18:54

Edited By cymaz on 18/11/2020 22:23:39

[Steve Colman]

cymaz,

Your post with the chemistry question is pure gold and sheer brilliance.

Thanks for posting - the best laugh I've had in ages!

Edited By Steve Colman on 19/11/2020 07:35:30

[cymaz]

Another from one of my club mates, ( he’s the main supplier)

[Peter Miller]

Brilliant!!

[Gary Manuel]

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

"In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, and Utah, which she does not fancy).

Our new Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'.
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

[Shaun Walsh]

Posted by Gary Manuel on 19/11/2020 18:31:44:

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'.
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

I really enjoyed this, just one thing I would take issue with, point 2. There was a recent article in New Scientist on a piece of research which discovered that the use of filler words such as like, um, err etc. actually enhanced comprehension in one to one conversation but diminished perceived authority when used in speeches, presentations etc. I must admit that it surprised me as I get very frustrated with the overuse of filler words. I suppose that by definition just under 50% of the population are of below average intelligence and so need the gap to process what's been said before. I'm sure that, as aeromodellers, we are all like in the um upper 50%.

[Daithi O Buitigh]

I'd like to point out in regard to Article 12 that 'baseball' is, indeed, played outside the US of A, BUT, it's really a kids' game called 'rounders'.

Also, in regard 1o Article 15, it should be stressed that proper tea is (a) made in a pot and (b) made with more than then half a dozen tea-leaves.

And don't overlook the fact that the thing at the end of this sentence is a full stop and not a 'period' (a period is the thing that the school day is divided into).

Edited By Daithi O Buitigh on 19/11/2020 19:22:07

[kc]

I wondered why Prince Harry was sent to live in the USA - makes sense now.

I think Gary had better get used to the idea that he won't ever get a visa to visit the USA!

[Gary Manuel]

Posted by kc on 19/11/2020 19:27:46:

I wondered why Prince Harry was sent to live in the USA - makes sense now.

I think Gary had better get used to the idea that he won't ever get a visa to visit the USA!

I may have blown my MBE too.

[Steve Colman]

Another wonderful addition to my reading today. Nice one Gary.

[Gary Manuel]

[Dwain Dibley.]

On my tablets I only need tip number 2.

D.D.

[Doug Moss]

Actually, Baseball is very popular in Japan, Baseuboro, but then they own a lot of America

[Eric Robson]

I spent some time in America working on one of the machines supplied by the company I worked for. This was a troublesome machine and it took ten weeks of mods and setting up . I had one of their fitters working with me he was half Japanese, one day I went into the work shop, as I walked in he shouted out Here comes Eric the Englishman, I would not trust an Englishman as far as I could throw him! All the other fitters looked round as I replied and I would not trust a Jap past Pearl Harbour!. to a great cheer from all. I must add we got on very well together.

[Martin Harris - Moderator]

Point 12 is interesting. It isn't widely known that the first "national sport" of the USA was cricket and the first recognised international cricket match was between the USA and Canada - not England and Australia which would seem more likely to many.

The demise of cricket in the USA seems to be linked to the rise in popularity of rounders baseball in the later part of the nineteenth century, which appealed to those wanting less of the guile and intrigue of several days of skill, tactical decision making and bravery over more instant gratification and "pzazz".

Edited By Martin Harris on 20/11/2020 13:09:31

[Simon Feather]

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[cymaz]

[cymaz]

[cymaz]

Oh ...hell, that went well