Sign of the times - funnies * Remember this is a family friendly forum and inappropriate postings will be removed without warning.

[Michael Willey 2]

Spotted in the 'Lonely Hearts' column of the 'The Kerryman' -

Batchelor aged 50 with own farm looking for woman between 25 and 45 with a view to matrimony. Also for sale one fat pig suitable for home curing.

[cymaz]

And Moses led his people through the desert for 40 years, until his wife said, “ Are you going to ask someone for directions or not ! “

[Daithi O Buitigh]

[David Ashby - Moderator]

Folks, we've deleted a few jokes in the last few days that are either crude, offensive, use swearing etc. I know that humour is a very subjective thing and that the subject matter on this thread tends to reflect overall happiness levels but if you're going to post here then please use a measure of self restraint. Thanks

[cymaz]

oops , now on the naughty step for an hour

[Peter Miller]

Posted by cymaz on 27/12/2020 09:06:32:

oops , now on the naughty step for an hour

AH!!! Well I was clever! I put one to the censors first!!!

[cymaz]

In breaking news.....

The Trump Presidential library has burnt down. Both books were destroyed. He hadn’t finished colouring in the second one

[Colin Carpenter]

Absolutely brilliant ! 😂😂😂😂

[Martin Harris - Moderator]

I've just removed a duplicate posting and will repeat some advice I gave on another thread recently as this is probably a thread looked at by most members of the forum...

Every so often posters find that a second, third - or even more - posts mysteriously appear. From observation and experience I’m certain that this occurs when things are running slowly somewhere in the great internet cloud between the poster’s keyboard and the forum server.

It’s easy to think that you haven’t clicked on the submit button properly and I’m sure it’s that second, third etc. attempt that creates the duplicates - the answer is to check the activity indicator (normally on the top left of the browser) and if it’s moving, simply wait for it to stop, when the post should then be displayed. In extreme cases, this could take over a minute so be patient!

[cymaz]

My first encounter with a low flying drone. Luckily it missed me due to poor piloting.

[ken anderson.]

jokes about sugar are rare...….brown sugar...……..demerara.

ken anderson...ne..1....sugar dept.

[Piers Bowlan]

You are spot on Martin, I got a new router and it fixed the problem for me. Prior to that I realised that it was the page being slow to load so I then clicked on one of the adds on the right of the page after posting, then I clicked back to my thread and the page loaded properly with my latest post displaying.

[gangster]

Cymas. You were lucky. My experience with those lose flying drones was that the pilots were extremely skilful. Some could pilot them to target without even looking at it

[Peter Miller]

Posted by gangster on 29/12/2020 08:30:23:

Cymas. You were lucky. My experience with those lose flying drones was that the pilots were extremely skilful. Some could pilot them to target without even looking at it

My father was one of those!!

Tip for youngsters:

NEVER,Ever be taught in a class where the teacher is your father.

[cymaz]

I remembered a teacher, Mr Jones, taught English for a while, odd chap.

He must of come out of retirement for a bit. He always wore waterproof leggings and his favourite saying was “ Boy! Stop excavating your proboscis and studying the contents “.

We also had an art teacher, he was great. While we were painting, he would darken the room and tell us ghost stories, with sound effects. His piece de resistance was to slam a large plank of wood he’d picked up onto a random work table. Mr Clay was his name iirc.

 

Edited By cymaz on 29/12/2020 08:51:46

Edited By cymaz on 29/12/2020 08:52:47

Edited By cymaz on 29/12/2020 09:04:59

[Shaun Walsh]

I had a biology teacher who was universally feared, you could tell which classroom he was in by the total silence apart from his voice. Each lesson started with a 10 minute test on the material learned in the last lesson, anything less than 90% earned you a detention. If you dropped a pencil you left it on the floor until the end of the lesson.

The chemistry teacher was far kinder, he just gave you a thrashing with a doubled up length of bunsen hose if you misbehaved 😊

I got an A in both subjects at O level unsurprisingly.

Edited By Shaun Walsh on 29/12/2020 09:42:01

[cymaz]

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?
Man: Yes.
Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
...

Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.
Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?
Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.
Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?
Man: 15 years.
Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?
Man: Correct.
Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: No.
Man: So where's your Ferrari?

[Daithi O Buitigh]

I had a Latin teacher who used sticks of chalk instead of a duster (his attitudewas that with the duster you only had one shot - with chalk fragments he had an almost unlimited supply)

His method of teaching - I cringe every time I see the clip from Life of Brian where he has to write out 'Romani ite domum' 100 times (it brings back bad memories)

Edited By Daithi O Buitigh on 29/12/2020 13:49:02

[cymaz]

John Cleese was an old boy. I’m sure most of his scripts came his own experiences.

The Latin sketch is great, also “ School” from The Meaning of Life, especially the scene of the clothes pegs. Just as it was.

Edited By cymaz on 29/12/2020 14:01:47

[Shaun Walsh]

Posted by Daithi O Buitigh on 29/12/2020 13:48:22:

I had a Latin teacher who used sticks of chalk instead of a duster (his attitudewas that with the duster you only had one shot - with chalk fragments he had an almost unlimited supply)

His method of teaching - I cringe every time I see the clip from Life of Brian where he has to write out 'Romani ite domum' 100 times (it brings back bad memories)

Edited By Daithi O Buitigh on 29/12/2020 13:49:02

Yes, I think anyone who did Latin to O level had at least one Latin teacher who was just like the Roman Centurion, it brings back memories every time I see it. My Latin teacher was a good shot with bits of chalk too, it was the Geography teacher who liked to use the board rubber possibly on the basis that an artillery barrage had greater effect on the moral of the troops than a couple of shots from a sniper!

Edited By Shaun Walsh on 29/12/2020 14:10:37

[EvilC57]

Posted by Shaun Walsh on 29/12/2020 09:41:20:

I had a biology teacher who was universally feared, you could tell which classroom he was in by the total silence apart from his voice. Each lesson started with a 10 minute test on the material learned in the last lesson, anything less than 90% earned you a detention. If you dropped a pencil you left it on the floor until the end of the lesson.

The chemistry teacher was far kinder, he just gave you a thrashing with a doubled up length of bunsen hose if you misbehaved 😊

I got an A in both subjects at O level unsurprisingly.

Edited By Shaun Walsh on 29/12/2020 09:42:01

I had a chemistry teacher in the early ‘70s who rules by fear - of being assaulted by him basically. Even the lab technicians were scared of him. I was in his class one day when he grabbed one of the more unruly members of class, bent him back over one of those high lab benches by his hair, and punched him hard in the stomach. The guy was a complete psycho, and had a reputation across the school and beyond. These days he’d be up on an assault charge, but as I say, this was the 1970s - a different time.

[Shaun Walsh]

Posted by EvilC57 on 29/12/2020 14:10:08:

Posted by Shaun Walsh on 29/12/2020 09:41:20:

I had a biology teacher who was universally feared, you could tell which classroom he was in by the total silence apart from his voice. Each lesson started with a 10 minute test on the material learned in the last lesson, anything less than 90% earned you a detention. If you dropped a pencil you left it on the floor until the end of the lesson.

The chemistry teacher was far kinder, he just gave you a thrashing with a doubled up length of bunsen hose if you misbehaved 😊

I got an A in both subjects at O level unsurprisingly.

Edited By Shaun Walsh on 29/12/2020 09:42:01

I had a chemistry teacher in the early ‘70s who rules by fear - of being assaulted by him basically. Even the lab technicians were scared of him. I was in his class one day when he grabbed one of the more unruly members of class, bent him back over one of those high lab benches by his hair, and punched him hard in the stomach. The guy was a complete psycho, and had a reputation across the school and beyond. These days he’d be up on an assault charge, but as I say, this was the 1970s - a different time.

I suppose that many of the older (male) teachers in the 60s and 70's will have served in the armed forces during the second world war and have been intolerant of indiscipline and used to quick and harsh punishment, who knows what they saw during their service!

[john stones 1 - Moderator]

How can you have your pudding, if you don't eat your meat ?

[cymaz]

Posted by john stones 1 on 29/12/2020 16:03:29:

How can you have your pudding, if you don't eat your meat ?

Classic

[john davidson 1]

Our woodwork teacher was Mr Myles, and one day he sent a boy name of Lang on an errand, he came back after a good while " You have been terrible lang, Lang" "But I've walked miles, Myles" he replied at which we all doubled up and that was probably why Myles did not see the funny side and gave him the strap.

(translation available on request for those south of Hadrians Wall)